What if I'm not ready?
What if I simply decide not to let time pass by, and i block it from going any further?
What if I can't change?

Well I'm not ready. I won't let time pass by. And I can change, but i refuse to. Hollow. I feel hollow. I'm not ready for all of my friends to leave. I can't deal with the shift in dynamic. I can't be older, they can't be older. There has to be a loophole, a void, a place where we can stay until we are ready. No matter how much i beg and plead and think and write and cry and create and destroy, it wont change. but it will. I cant change it. but it will change all the same. Disappointingly dissipating flashes of the past blur my vision, or maybe its just my tear ducts acting up again. Either way, i cant make out two steps ahead, only one step behind. I can't sharply predict or infer. I want to see how things will turn out but i cant bring myself to looking forward. Backwards is so inticing. I could adapt. I could change myself for backwards. Learn to walk again, talk again, see again, if only for backwards to be forwards. I just cant bear to invest myself into loving something that will leave all so suddenly. as soon as comfort sets in and i can smile contently, something has to jostle, fall, and shatter. And i follow. Jostled. Fallen. Shattered. But it's not all bad. I can wistfully reflect. Can I? Can i remember them? How did he sit? How did she laugh? How did we grin while falling victim to the overflowing spilled energy? Do i remember anything? Do i remember it correctly, or am i just imagining? I want to lose myself if you all promised to find me, put me back together, and make sure that everything was how it once was. I want to lose time and hope it doesnt find its way back. I want to stop. and make everything stop. and make you stop. i want. I wish. I just. I hope you remember me better than it was. I hope you dont forget, and i hope when you come back we can schedule days of being back there. We can go forward too. but backwards is just as nice.