Went to the dentist's office a few days ago. I still go to the same dentist i went to when i was a wee one, so while in the waiting room i get to distract myself with One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.
I look to my left and a toothless seven year old with stringy and unbrushed dirty blonde hair has jutted her jaw towards me with equal parts confusion and mocking. Oh yes, seven year olds can mock. This one did. Whatever, her face looked like a halloween jack-o-lantern, so i call it a draw. Granted i am the one that still gets my teeth cleaned in a luau-themed dentistry practice with a giant Hawaiian shirt on the wall. The size is 28XL. pretty clever huh? Skip ahead two minutes to brushing my teeth next to a surly ten year old boy. I call him Michy, because he looks like the Michelin Man. I could call him pudgeball of fucking lard, but Michy has a better ring to it. Can you tell that I dislike trips to the dentist and all that come with it? Well if you couldn't already tell, now you know.
I try to put toothpaste on my ridiculously small blue toothbrush but what i don't anticipate is that all of the faucets are put on sandblasting intensity. I drop "my" toothbrush in the galvanized steel sink and off comes the toothpaste. It was a blessing in disguise as i had accidentally applied orange flavored sesame street brand kiddie toothpaste to the blue midget stick. With the utmost care, i gingerly pick up the 'brush and discard it. With a new knowledge of how the faucets work, i coerce it to place a drop of water upon my new red plastic toothbrush. An artificially colored cylindric gob of toothpaste is still wedged in the hole of the sink, though water pressure should be bullying it down to the sewers.
Scrub scrub scrub, and i'm in the chair with a purple bib on. I play mrs. pacman on gameboy advance for quite sometime. Then a harsh woman i shall call Olga, though i know is named Tammi, practically shoves her elbow down my thoat. While trying to clean my teeth she must've lost her wedding ring and countless other items to my digestive tract. After she has sufficiently tortured me, she cleans my mouth using a vacuum cleaner and a waterpik. I swear she derived pleasure from bruising my gums, and more than thirteen times she got the suction-straw-vacuum-cleaner-thing stuck to the already raw insides of my mouth.
I wait again and a thoroughly sedated Hawaiian asks me questions to which she should already know the answer. "Wow. You have nice teeth. Did you have braces?" No. And fuck you, for being so goddamn lazy you can't look at my dental history. She then proceeds to ask me questions that demand long and drawn-out answers, while checking out my teeth. I dont know how she did it, but she managed to make me feel guilty for not being able to say "junior at Berkeley High School" whilst two latex-encased hands are prying at my mouth.
Two thirty second swishes of orange-flavored fluoride later, i'm out of there like my dog in a room with Jane and a razor.
I fucking hate the dentist. On the bright side, i don't have any cavities.
